From my stealthy glimpses online I’d discovered that I wasn’t the only one who found spanking exciting. I obviously hadn’t got through my teens without hearing some reference to it as a thing of enjoyment rather than purely discipline to be hated, but it was always in a way that portrayed anyone into those kinds of things as strange twisted people to be ridiculed or feared. It was either a dirty old politician with an orange in his mouth or a serial killer into bondage.
As I grew more confident at being sneaky and deleting traces of where I’d been, I started having a look at actual sites. I was still too nervous of being caught to watch any videos and there was only so much I could get out of pictures after a while so I turned to chat.
The perception I had of spankers was still partially what I’d been taught by the world; that they’re weird people who purely like to hurt others. I can understand why newbies are so jumpy about revealing things about themselves or don’t want to meet very quickly. I was accused a lot of being a timewaster or of being a man pretending to be a girl because I didn’t want to webcam for people or was too shy to phone them. It was pretty disheartening to be told constantly I wasn’t the real deal because I hadn’t experienced anything yet. I can now understand the more seasoned spanko’s point of view; there are people out there only playing out fantasies online, but I imagine a lot of newbies get driven away by negativity or pushiness.
Luckily for me I also came across some understanding people with the patience to let me learn at my own pace and who helped to build my confidence about things I wanted to try. As well as discussion with experienced spankers, a lot of that learning came through cyber roleplay. Even though none of the things were physically happening to me I could identify elements that particularly excited me or I liked the idea of or ideas that jarred in my brain slightly and didn’t seem so appealing.
I still didn’t know for sure whether I’d even be able to take any pain, let alone like it! The idea that I had fantasised about it for years and there was a possibility that after one try I’d be done with it was scary to me. I didn’t want to lose this thing that gave me a buzz. But I knew from my online play that I at least enjoyed parts of it; being cheeky, the telling off, embarrassment, the power struggle, feeling in trouble. I knew there was someone real at the other end telling me I was a naughty girl and I deserved to be punished. At last instead of just my imagination there was someone I could get into trouble with. They gave warnings, scolded me, cut off my pleas and arguments, all the things I’d wanted. I was even sent to the corner occasionally, having to wait til the ping of the instant messenger before I could come out. Heads on head, feet apart, and nose to the wall, I stood in the corner of my bedroom in disgrace in a house full of people who had no clue what I was up to. But there was one other person who knew and I loved thinking about that.
It wasn’t a quick process as there was plenty of ‘research’ to do online. By now I’d finished my first year at university and had established comfortable online friendships with a few people. With a long hot summer back at home ahead of me, with nothing to do before September, I finally decided I was ready to step away from the screen and take things into the real world.